Ayin Tova: To See The Good

my brain hurts from thinking and doing too much and i am ready to call it a night–early for me.  only 9pm.

soon i will tuck my oldest in bed for the night. we will say prayers. i will remind her to say her ‘gratefuls’.  i will tell her i love her and will say lila tov~goodnight and gently shut her door. 
the house will be quiet. i will be quiet.  i will stretch on a yoga mat and remind myself that i am not merely a ‘walking-head’.  my body too, needs to work and move and do.  then i will sit for a bit.  sit still, that is.  i will settle in and pay attention to gift of breath.  i will breathe.  I will return.

Lila Tov.

This morning I was a participant in a focus group for rabbis about addiction in the Jewish community.  One rabbi spoke about how there are times when we feel empty inside.  We hunger and search to fill the void inside.  Some of us choose to fill the void with a false sense of security–with substances that will never fill us up.    
We spoke about how we search and search to ‘find an easier, softer way’ and only when our research is completed and we ‘hit rock-bottom’, do we open ourselves up to the possibility of turning to a Higher Power and to admitting we have a problem and knowing that there must be a better way to live.  


In my last year of rabbinical school, I was a student rabbi on a JACS retreat.  JACS, an organization dedicated to providing  support to Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent and Significant others in recovery.  At the JACS retreat, I joined about 6 other rabbis of varied denominations and we spoke with and listened to a hundred or so Jews from the Ultra-Orthodox and Chasidic to the secular and the agnostic.   I spoke with recovering addicts who said that their rabbi believed “Jews don’t drink.”  Some had not entered a synagogue in years because of the guilt and shame they felt about their addictions.  They felt like outcasts in their own our community.  And still others entered into compassionate and welcoming communities that helped them find 12 Step programs and supported them in thier recovery.  


Its rough out there.  We don’t have to suffer alone.  Many of us feel an emptiness of the soul and spirit at times, but the addict never feels whole; the void always lurking deep within.  The addict suffers until she or he finds recovery and begins to understand that substance abuse is a disease and the cure is to put one’s faith in a Higher Power, go to 12 step meetings, and abstain from the addition by working a daily program of recovery.  


In this month of Elul, when we especially turn to examine our lives, we can ask ourselves whether we  keep searching for ways to fill the void to no avail? Do we keep doing the same things and getting the same results?  Are our lives unmanageable no matter how much we try to control things? 


If you think you might have a problem with substance abuse, phone or email a local 12 step group or perhaps you can contact a clergy-person, teacher or friend who is familiar with 12 step programs. There are recovery groups for addictions of all kinds–Alcohol, food, gambling, sexual behaviour, co-dependencey, drugs etc. There are also support groups like Al-Anon for those living with addicts.  


Ultimately the teshuva process and the 12 steps have the same goal. They help us become the one we were meant to be by bringing us closer to God and wake us up to the sparks of holiness within us all.  


Sending love and blessings of shalom–wholeness and peace.  

In the July/August issue of Yoga Chicago Magazine, there is a wonderful review of the 

Seane Corn

“The physical body holds onto the anger and grief,” said Seane. “We need to move the energy so that we ourselves don’t become sick or depressed. Depression of emotions is a catalyst for depression.”

This is a cross-post from my friend and colleague Rabbi Phyllis Sommer Her blog is Thoughts From Rabbi Phyllis, and she is also participating in #BlogElul.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2011

Seeking Sun: #BlogElul

I have a friend who loves the sun. Whenever we go out for lunch or coffee in any weather that remotely feels warm, she insists on sitting outside and preferably in the sun.

I don’t remember always loving to sit outside. But since I’ve been her friend…it’s my first instinct, even when I’m not with her. I didn’t know how much I loved being in the fresh air!

But I don’t really love sitting directly in the sun (as much as I’ve learned to love sitting outside). She has lovely tanned skin…but I get a big ol’ red sunburn if overexposed. So we usually have to compromise, and look for seats that are partially in the shade. She gets the sunny seat, I get the shady one.

In my garden, we are growing sunflowers. We’ve never grown them before. I am shocked at how tall they have gotten, and with no flowers yet! But yesterday, I saw this peeking out….

Yes, we are going to have some sunflowers. They are peeking out into the sun, seeking light. Each of these flowers is reaching as high as they can for the sunniest sun they can get.

I thought I was going to write a post about sunflowers and how they track the sun, facing their beautiful heads up toward the brightest spot. But instead, I read this on Wikipedia:

A common misconception is that sunflowers track the sun. In fact, mature flowerheads typically face east and do not move. The leaves and buds of young sunflowers do exhibit heliotropism (sun turning). Their orientation changes from east to west during the course of a day. The movements become a circadian response and when plants are rotated 180 degrees, the old response pattern is still followed for a few days, with leaf orientation changing from west to east instead. The leaf and flowerhead bud phototropism occurs while the leaf petioles and stems are still actively growing, but once mature, the movements stop.

Oh my goodness, there’s so much to unpack in that – I feel a million sermons coming on! But seriously…they face east? It’s just too perfect. Please, though, read through it all again. Young sunflowers move and learn a response pattern to move. But when they are mature (and have stopped growing) the movements stop.

Just like sunflowers, when we stop growing, we stop moving.
Just like sunflowers, we seek the sun when we are young but our instinct is to find a direction and face it once we are older and set in our ways.

Elul is here to remind us that we are not meant to be that way. We can and should find a way to move and redirect and find the light as it moves through our lives in different ways.

I’m so glad that my friend taught me to seek the sun, even at an age when perhaps I was ready to stay set in my ways. I am so glad that I am able to learn and grow and change.

Each day, each moment, I am ready to seek the sunshine.

Elul Day 6~ I officiated at a wedding tonight and was reminded how the support of community and of loved ones can help us become the one who we are meant to be. Teshuva~returning is easier when others help point out the holiness/the light that is within you, but hasnot yet been revealed to you. Erev Tov ~to all a goodnight!

Gabi, my 9 year old wanted to make sure I was going to sing her 7 year old brother his bedtime prayers tonight even though his twin sister was at a sleepover.  I said “yes” and then she quietly asked me if I was going to sing to her prayers tonight.  I didn’t miss a beat and said “yes, of course.” How precious that she should ask.  What a blessing to be able to hear this gentle question from a child~’will you sing me my bedtime prayers?

Many years ago while living in Jerusalem, my friend and teacher Ozer Bergman gave me the book Under the Table and How to Get Up: Jewish Pathways of Spiritual Growth by Avraham Greenbaum.  It begins with the following story which I will offer tonight at our worship service to help us prepare for the Holy Days.

The Story of the Turkey-Prince
Once the king’s son went mad.  He thought he was a turkey.  he felt compelled to sit under the table without any clothes on, pulling at bits of bread and bones like a turkey.  None of the doctors could do anything to help him or cure him, and they gave up in despair.  The king was very sad…
Until a wise Man came and said, “I can cure him.”  What did the Wise Man do?  He took off all his clothes, and sat down under the table next to the king’s son, and also pulled at crumbs and bones.  The Prince asked him, “Who are you and what are you doing here?”
“And what are you doing here?” he replied.
“I am a turkey,” said the Prince,
“Well I’m also a turkey,” said the Wise Man.
The two of them sat there together like this for some time, until they were used to one another.
Then the Wise Man gave a sign, and they threw them shirts.  The Wise Man-Turkey said to the king’s son,
“Do you think a turkey can’t wear a shirt? You can wear a shirt and still be a turkey.”  The two of them put on shirts.
After a while he gave another sign and they threw them some trousers.  Again the Wise Man said, “Do you think if you wear trousers you can’t be a turkey?”  They put on the trousers.
One by one they put on the rest of their clothes in the same way.
Afterwards, the Wise Man gave a sign and they put down human food from the table.  The Wise Man said to the Prince, “Do you think if you eat good food you can’t be a turkey any more?  You can eat this food and still be a turkey.”  They ate.
Then he said to him, “Do you think a turkey has to sit under the table? You can be a turkey and sit up at the table.”
This was how the Wise Man dealt with the Prince, until in the end he cured him completely.
(Rebbe Nachman of Bratslov)

Avraham Greenbaum concludes:
“The moral of the tale of the Turkey-Prince is that you can succeed, and the story shows you how.
All of us have two sides to us–the Prince or Princess and the turkey.  The Prince is the higher self, or soul–the child of God, which we all are.  The Prince is the potential self, the person we can be if we learn the right way to nurture ourselves and grow….The Turkey is the lower self, the side that is averse to sacrifice, hard work and effort….The Turkey side makes it harder to be the Prince or Princess we should be–and the reward for succeeding is therefore greater.”  (pg 1)

We all live in both realities–our true self and the self that covers up our true inner-beauty.  In this period of soul-searching and returning, May we turn inward and notice both God-given realities, may the prince and princess within us shine brightly and allow us to stand tall, with courage and strength so that we might indeed get up from under the table.

May this Shabbos of Elul bring joy, peace and an additional measure of wholeness to us, Israel and all the world.  
Shabbat Shalom.

Rabbi Bunam, a Hasidic rebbe  who lived over a century ago, taught his followers:  “Our great transgression is not that we commit sins:  Temptation is strong and our strength is weak.  No, our transgression is that at every instant we can turn to God—and yet we do not turn.”   

We can only pray the way prayer is supposed to be when we recognize that in fact the soul is always praying.
Without stop, the soul soars and yearns for its Beloved. It is at the time of outward prayer, that the perpetual prayer of the soul reveals itself in the realm of action.
This is prayer’s pleasure and joy, its glory and beauty. It is like a rose, opening its elegant petals towards the dew, facing the rays of the sun as they shine over it with the sun’s light.
Olat Re’iyah vol.1, p. 11

Day 2 into the teshuva/returning process offered me a keen reminder that teshuva is not about making resolutions.  It is not about telling myself that I will change my ways and not make the same mistake again.  It is not about telling myself that “tomorrow I will do better.”   Certainly that’s the goal, but to start the process this way–with these (secular) New Year type resolutions is a huge set up for failure. It is taking the easy way out.  I stopped making resolutions like this years ago and still (!) this morning, when thinking about this past year I began to list all the things that I will do better in the coming year.  I began to make those ‘I’ll-start-my diet-on-Monday’ type promises.  Oy.  Thankfully, it didn’t take long to realize that I was in ‘fixing mode’.   The very purpose of this reflection and repentance period is to become aware of our failings and sit with them–take ’em all in and seek forgiveness from ourselves, others and God.   Eventually, we know that our teshuva is working in our lives when we change our ways and not make the same mistakes over and over,  but like anything worthy of lasting a lifetime, change takes work and practice and there really is no quick-fix.  Even though I wish there was.
Here’s to the continued practice of staying with the teshuva process.  One day at a time.