2014 Yom Kippur Sermon: You Make A Difference: Suicide, Depression and Knowing You Matter

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

A teacher in New York decided to honor all of her high school seniors by telling each of them how much of a difference they made. Using the Who I Am Makes A Difference Ceremony, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told the class how that student made a difference to her. Then, she presented each of them with a Who I Am Makes A Difference Blue Ribbon.

makeadifference5Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact acknowledgement would have on their community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this Blue Ribbon Ceremony. They were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for having helped him with his career planning. The boy gave him a Blue Ribbon, placing it on his shirt just above his heart. Then he gave the junior executive two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on acknowledgement, and we’d like you to go out and find someone to honor. Give them this Blue Ribbon, then give them the extra Blue Ribbon so they can acknowledge another person to keep this acknowledgement ceremony going. Then, please report back to me and tell me what happened.”

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the Blue Ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, “Well, sure.”The junior executive took the Blue Ribbon and placed it right on his boss’ jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, “Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring someone else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going to find out how it affects people.”

That night the boss went home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, “The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a Blue Ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I’m a creative genius. Then he put this Blue Ribbon that says Who I Am Makes A Difference on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find someone else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you.

“My days are really hectic and when I come home I don’t pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school or for your bedroom being a mess. But somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You’re a great kid and I love you!”

The startled boy started to sob and sob. He couldn’t stop crying. His whole body shook. He got up, walked over to a drawer, opened it and took out a gun. Holding the gun in his hand, he looked up at his father and through his tears he said, “I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn’t think you loved me. Now I don’t need to.” This is the “Who I am Makes a Difference Story” Copyright ©2006 Helice Bridges.images

I bet there is not one of is the sanctuary tonight who has not had a feeling of loneliness, alienation, of despair, of humiliation. We all have those feelings. We have them, our family members have them, our friends, our teachers, our co-workers, strangers sitting next to us have them, our cantors and rabbis have, and our prophets had them. After all, we are all human.

This afternoon we will read about the prophet Jonah, who is best known, as the prophet who was swallowed up by a whale. Jonah was sent on a mission he didn’t want to go on. He was sent to speak God’s message to the Ninavites and to tell them to repent from their misguided deeds. Do you know one of the ways to tell a real Prophet from a false prophet? They don’t want the job. They are afraid to go out and speak the truth. They know people will laugh at them, make fun of them, or ignore them altogether and humiliate them. “God!” The real prophet pleads” choose someone else! Don’t pick me!” The limelight isn’t for them—they want to be left alone. They don’t want the spotlight and they also are afraid that God might not always ‘have their back.” Jonah cried to God and begged not to be accountable to God, “O God! Isn’t this just what I said when I was still in my own country? This is why I [I tried to runaway.] In the Book of Jonah we read, “For I know that You are compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in kindness, renouncing punishment. Please, God take my life, for I would rather die than live.” God replied, “Are you that deeply grieved?” [Jonah 4:2-4] and a little bit later, at the end of Jonah’s mission, when it was over, Jonah begged for death after the plant that sheltered him from the sun, had died.

What Jonah felt, although he accomplished what God had asked of him, was not just alienation, Jonah felt utter despair and tried to hide and put an end to his misery. He did not understand that these feelings would be temporary. Thankfully he could not hide and was saved, he was rescued. God followed Jonah, and would not leave him. Jonah had a follower, one who knew Jonah’s mindset and knew of Jonah’s desperation. It is so tragic that so many are not saved, so many are not as fortunate. Many remain alone and symptoms remain unnoticed, people take their own lives because they can not see that this too might pass. They are in the depths of despair, alone, and there is a mental illness preventing them from recovery on their own.

My husband Kyle related a story to me about a commute he shared with one of his judges from work. The red line L train was being delayed during the evening rush by a jumper – that’s slang for a suicide committed by someone who jumps in front of a train, which is not an uncommon occurrence. Kyle’s judge made a joke that she wished these jumpers would have the courtesy to jump at off hours as not to delay her trip home. Kyle, who generally does not shy away from tasteless humor, replied somberly that it is unfortunate that people feel so defeated and powerless that they plan their final act to impact as many people as they can. If we don’t think we make a difference in life, perhaps we think at least we will make a difference in death. It is a profound human tragedy that one’s inner sense of worthlessness can snowball unchallenged to the extent that it warps the mind to conjure this deranged idea and it doesn’t have to be so. We need to let others know that who they are in life makes a difference. Think about that story I told a few moments ago about the father and his son.

In my ethical will to my kids, I shared with you on Rosh Hashanah I wrote to them that when experiencing frustration if the pain is disproportionate or does not seem to diminish over time, we want them to see a professional about getting help about it – that life is too precious to be victimized by that which is beyond our control. I realize that people can feel a hurt that is so acute that death seems like the only option. I recognize that for some suicide seems like an option to deal with unbearable inner torment, but please exhaust all other possible options first! There are so many therapy models, medications, studies and varieties of spiritual practices that help people overcome the unconscionable–and we can let our loved ones know, exhaust all possible options first. And when you think you have, keep looking for more options. Yet, I would be remiss, if I did not also add, that even if we do our very best at trying to prevent one from taking his or her life, we can only do what we can do and there is much that is beyond our control. Indeed, there is much at play, and we must then know, we cannot blame ourselves.

  • Suicide is the second leading cause of death for ages 10-24. (2010 CDC WISQARS)
  • More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, combined. (2010 CDC WISQARS)
  • Each day in our nation there are an average of over 5,400 suicide attempts by young people grades 7-12. (2010 CDCWISQARS)images

In an article on Huffington Post website titled, Food for Thought on Yom Kippur: Suicide and Mental Illness, world renowned expert on suicide bereavement Joanne Harpel wrote,

“Virtually everyone who hears about a suicide asks the same question: Why? It’s a natural instinct to want to make sense out of the seemingly inexplicable. Taking one’s own life violates a fundamental belief we hold as human beings — and as Jews — that life is sacred. I’m often asked whether suicide is a “choice,” and of course in some literal sense it is. Yet it’s a decision profoundly influenced by the hopelessness, distorted thinking, and compromised decision-making that can result from serious mental illnesses. The Mi Shebeirach, a Jewish prayer for healing, speaks of “the renewal of body, the renewal of spirit.” While it’s reflexive to think of those battling cancer or recovering from a stroke or accident, it’s equally important to remember those among us who are suffering from illnesses like depression, untreated [addiction] or psychotic episodes which profoundly affect both body and spirit. On Yom Kippur, we recite the sobering Unetanah Tokef, contemplating who shall perish by water and who by fire, who by famine, earthquake, plague. And who shall be at peace and who shall be tormented — who shall be in such excruciating pain that they’ll die by their own hand.” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joanne-l-harpel-mphil-jd/suicide_b_5902540.html

Yom Kippur is about going deep with in to the recess of our hearts as individuals and as a sacred community to say we are sorry. As individuals and as a community we accept apologies. And we turn inward. The pain and the suffering we might feel is to be acknowledged, and if it is too much for us, we can get help. If we know that there is someone struggling offer help. It is our obligation and our responsibility.

Again, Joanne Harpel, 1. Research shows that over 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable (albeit not always diagnosed or adequately treated) mental illness at the time of their death, most often depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, substance abuse, or a combination. Among young people, add conduct and eating disorders to the list; in the military community, add PTSD and the effects of traumatic brain injury.

Suicide is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of something else; disease, an illness like cancer or diabetes. It is a sign of a mental illness and we as a community, as friends, partners, people who care will wake up to the signs, calls and silent messages that might be around us. Depression can mask itself in various forms. It doesn’t have to be tears and sadness; it can be anger and aggression, withdrawal, or even slurred speech and unresponsiveness. It is our job not to diagnose but rather to Wake up and pay attention to others around us. Ask how people are doing and stick around, wait for their answers, and be a loving, non-judging presence. And never miss an opportunity to tell people that who they are makes a difference, it can be a lifesaver.

In addition to the increasing rates of suicide among young people I would also be remiss if I did not mention the disturbing increase in bullying and drug abuse happening in our community. While the direct correlation to these two facts and the increase in suicide is subject to debate, they are happening and Your rabbis are concerned. Beth Am is committed to being part of the solution. We want our teens and all our children to know that if the are in trouble or need help we are here for them. And more then that we are a place who lifts them up and teaches them that they are loved by an unending love not for what they do, but for who they are.

For many years I served on the Advisory Council of the Chicago Jewish Healing Network and I now serve on the Advisory council to its Jewish Center on Addiction. The center on Addiction has just been awarded a three-year grant to work with Jewish teens and middle school students on Drug and Alcohol prevention. The grant, called Partners in Prevention was created and developed by Beit Teshuva, a premier twelve- step recovery house, center and synagogue based in California, founded and led by Rabbi Marc Borovitz a nationally recognized expert in spirituality and twelve-step recovery. The Jewish Center on Addiction put out a call to area organizations and synagogues to become a partner with Beit Teshuva and train to bring the Drug Prevention program to this community. I am thrilled to announce that Congregation Beth Am will one of the three Chicagoland area organizations and the only synagogue to be trained to become a Partner in Prevention. Next month, Rabbi Prass and I will attend training sessions facilitated by Rabbi Mark Borovitz, and Doug Rosen, Beit Tshuva’s Director of Youth Services and we will bring this program to Beth Am and we will share it with the entire northwest suburban Jewish community. It is that important. Details will be forthcoming. I know I also speak for Rabbi Prass when I say that we consider your children to be as important to us as are our own. We are part of your village in raising the kids, all of our kids. And if we can prevent even one of our kids from feelings of despair and alienation than we are successful. Our rabbis teach, “To save one life is to save the entire world.”

We are losing too many children, too many loved ones and we are more committed then ever to work with you to help our kids know that who they are makes a difference.

Friends. Coming around right now is a ribbon that says just that. Now, like the father who received this ribbon and gave it to his son, you have your own ribbon. Wear it. Pass it on, let me know if you want more. In 1980, the “Who I Am Makes A Difference”® Blue Ribbon Acknowledgement Ceremony was created to help people express their appreciation, respect and love for their children, parents, teachers, friends, neighbors—everyone! Over the years, this heartfelt ceremony has impacted over 40 million people worldwide and has been translated into 12 languages — saving lives, eradicating bullying, and making dreams come true in the home, school and workplace. Helice “Sparky” Bridges founded Difference Makers International, and IGNITE WHAT’S RIGHT™…Giving Youth A Voice for Change to eliminate bullying, enhance self-worth and make a positive contribution in the community and world!
Because we need to know that we matter… That we make a difference. And we are not going to know this unless we are told. The world would not be the same with out us.

Let’s start tonight. Let’s start recognize that mental illness exists and we are not exempt from it. We can get help and so can our loved ones. We can help be agents of change.   Let’s start challenging those secret voices of despair and alienation, of self-hate and isolation, of loneliness and hurt. Let’s start recognizing those around us and telling them that they mean something to us. Speak a kind word, tell someone they made a difference to you and share a ribbon.

Beth Am is here to help bring healing into this world. May we bring healing and hope into our own lives and in our community. For indeed, we are loved now and always, just the way we are.

May all of us be inscribed for a year of life, in the book of Life. Amen.

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2014 Rosh Hashanah Sermon~Two Days Before the Bat Mitzvah: An Ethical Will to Our Children

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

G, our twelve and a half year old daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is in a few days: Two Days actually. It is on Shabbat Shuva, the Shabbat in between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. This, as you know is not the most convenient time for anyone I imagine for a family to celebrate a bat mitzvah, but it is especially challenging for a congregational rabbi and her.family

As the days move closer to G, standing on this Bima, I realize that this is a very precious time: Precious even with the fighting, the mess, and details and schlepping. Precious because when I stop all the madness, I am left with the awesome reality that my first-born will continue a tradition passed down from generations and that she will now be counted as an adult amongst our people. The right of passage is profound.

Shortly after L and N were born, in July 2004 I stood here before you and shared with you the values we hoped to pass down to our three children. I recently re-read that sermon and I was amazed by two things: one, how much I had forgotten about the circumstances of their births and about our rituals and routine back then, and two, how I would write a different letter to my children today, ten years later. I have since re-written the letter and I will share most of it with you now.

Dear G, L and N,

Your dad and I met when I was 30 and dad was 33. We had substantially different life experiences, however we have always shared some common beliefs and values. And we want to share those with you now.

When I first learned about the great martin Luther king Jr., Gandhi, Emma Goldman, nelson Mandela, I was inspired and thought that kind of greatness is not attainable anymore. That these people were modern day saints and only the select few could be like them, but I was wrong. I learned that they just acted on their passion for justice and equality. They were not afraid to speak their mind and work for what they believed in. Their legacy to us is the hope that one person can change the world and that each of us is a powerful human being with abilities and strength to do good. Dad and I have come to realize however that thinking we have to help fix this world and right the wrongs because we want to emulate Gandhi or King, is not a great place to start. We have learned that placing importance on the smallest acts of kindness, of help and consideration is equally valuable and worthy. With small acts of kindness, come large doses of hope that wrongs can be righted and goodness can prevail. You don’t have to be a great person to do great things. Good people are the ones who do the extraordinary.

Our rabbis teach us, lo alecah hamlacha ligmor…it is not your job to complete the task, but neither are you free to desist from it.

When you do even the slightest bit of good, know that it matters. We want you to try your best, and when you can’t try your best, just try. No one tries his best all the time. It has been said that anything truly worth doing is worth doing poorly. For example, a louse peace treaty is better than war. It is far better to make any attempt at repairing the world than to leave it broken. However, we do encourage you to recognize when you have an opportunity to do something worthwhile and put forth a real effort. That will make a difference in your life.

We also want you to know that with life comes frustration and disappointment.   You will not be alone in your frustration, and those feelings of inadequacy and humiliation happen to everybody and they will pass. If however those feelings do not pass or are disproportionate, please get help. Life is way to short and precious for the torment of that which is beyond our control.

Your parents think that an important part of life is prayer. mom and dad each have a deep and rich prayer life and it has brought comfort to each of us during times of despair and in times of great joy. Our prayer lives are manifested differently, but we each have a connection to God… To a higher power who works in our lives. When you were younger, we sang your prayers for you and we told you of all the people who loved you and we ended the prayer routine with ‘and God loves you just the way you are.” We believe this to be true. We hope that you do too or will one day believe this to be true as well.

We will not attempt to define what God should mean or be for you, but we do know that having a connection to something greater than yourself has made life far more manageable. It reminds us that we are not in control of most of what happens to us, yet our connection to a Higher Power allows us to be okay, no matter what happens. We are comforted by this sacred relationship, even when we are in the midst of challenging times. Dad and I love that each of you asks so many questions about God, the world, and life. We hope that you will continue to develop a personal theology and relationship to the Holy One. We hope that you will continue to find, and to seek out teachers who help answer your questions, and that they encourage you to search even more. Developing a spiritual life can be the greatest gift you can give yourself and the world.

Remember to breathe, to feel the breath of life within you—it is calming when we do that, it will serve you well to take a few deep breaths and to feel the rising of the breath on the inhale and the release of the breath on the exhale. And yes, I know you make fun of me when I say these kinds of things.

In our Torah portion last week, we read God gives us blessing and curse choose life that you may live. Choose life. Our sacred text implores us to choose to do good and not evil for then god is with you. When we make the right choice, we may feel god’s presence in our lives. However, my dears, god will be with you when you make the wrong choice as well. God is there to support us when we fall.IMG_1317

It is common for us to say in our house, “say your gratefuls” we are not just saying that, but we believe that saying what we are grateful for out loud helps us take the information that we are fortunate, that we do have blessings~even if we think we don’t at a particular moment in time. Saying ‘gratefuls’ helps us remember that we are not alone and we are also not in charge.   Remember, Moses does not ever get to accomplish his life’s goal of getting into the Promised Land. Instead, he is instructed to go up to Mount Nebo, the place on which he will die and look out on to the land of Milk and Honey and reflect on all that he had been given in his lifetime. God said, Moses, “Rav Lach”, you have so much.

This is one of my favorite stories, for the lesson is that indeed we may choose life, but the circumstances and what happens to us are so much of the time not up to us. Moshe Rabbanu teaches us this. That life is not about getting the great prize at the end—the ultimate goal that we’ve been striving for, but it is about choosing to life, to the best of our ability, a day at time, where ever it is that we are. And maybe the goal might be just to put one foot forward and keep moving, with purpose and direction until one day, we turn a different corner, and do it all over again.

Today, our world is in a heap of trouble. Terror exists through out the world. There are societal ills that we can become numb to since we do not see them every day. Hunger and homelessness is rampant, this congregation has a food pantry and our own people use it. There are not enough soup kitchens, or shelter beds in this country. People are suffering from awful diseases and climate change is hardly on the radar of folks who can do something about it.

Despite my litany of examples of what is wrong with our world, I do, however, have hope that things will get better. I have hope because you are in the world. Hope because each one of us has the potential to bring about the coming of the messiah and paradise on earth.

It is our hope that each of you continue to be committed Zionists.

Israel is our spiritual home – and she is in trouble.   She’s been in trouble before, but times have changed and the shelling and rockets that happened this past July are I believe, a sign of what is to come. The solution is not promising any time soon, I am so sad to say. If Israel retaliates against the terrorists, innocent civilians get killed and the media has another field day of misguided reporting. Security strategies turn into human rights violations and public relations fiascos. Negative press gives fuel to opportunistic politicians and pressure groups that use anti-Semitism to further their political goals in the middle east, Europe and in our own country. While we might not always agree on how Israel acts in various situations, we must care for Israel’s greater good and act in her behalf. Dad and I took you to Israel in 2010, before we took you to Disneyworld. And you had a better time in Israel. There you met my Hasidic friends who took us in and loved us like family, Nathan and Dad wore Ozer’s Strimal-big black fur hat, and Lucy was even asked if she wanted to try it on. We also visited a Reform community whose female rabbi is constantly at battle with the local religious authorities. When it comes to Israel, there are so many diverging opinions and politics. We have our own views, and we want you to have yours as well. It lets others know you care. But don’t forget, the way to peace is through listening and talking to the other. It is through dialogue and connections and indefatigable effort, being ever mindful that there are many different Truths that can be in direct opposition to each other.

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We hope that you believe in yourselves. Rabbi Joseph Telushkin: writes in Jewish Literacy, “… 19th century Chasidic master rabbi Simcha Bunam suggested that every person carry in his or her pockets two pieces of paper. On one should be written, “for my sake was the world created,” while the other should contain the worlds Abraham recited when he entreated god to spare the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah: “I am but dust and ashes.” (Genesis 18:27)

Each paper should be consulted at the appropriate time. When you are feeling arrogant, impressed by how much more you have accomplished than others, by how much smarter, generous, insightful, witty, and popular you are, consult the sheet, “I am but dust and ashes”. …. After all, it was Abraham who said that, and while you may indeed be more accomplished than your colleagues, are you greater than Abraham?

than again, during moments of despair (and moments of arrogance and despair may even occur on the same day) remind yourself, “for my sake was the world created.”   There is always some special mission for you, something in this world that you, and only you can accomplish.

Two pieces of paper: write down the words, and put them in your pockets now. ( p.185)

I want to conclude this ethical will of sorts with words from Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel. In his last interview in 1971 he was asked what advice he had for young people. Heschel was a modern prophet and I vividly recall watching a rerun of his last interview when I was G’s age.

Heschel’s answer to the interview was this, he said: “I would say to young people a number of things, and I have only one minute. I would say, let them remember that there is a meaning beyond absurdity. Let them be sure that every little deed counts, that every word has power, and that we can do — every one — our share to redeem the world despite of all the absurdities and all the frustration and all disappointments. And above all, remember that the meaning of life is to live life as it if were a work of art. You’re not a machine. When you are young, start working on this great work of art called your own existence.”

May you, my children, and indeed, may all our children and all of us be blessed with a long life of love, friendship and Shalom.

 

 

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Israel, Compassion and The Self

Posted on August 4, 2014 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

When I was in college, my Muslim friend Alia and I, with the help of Peter Yarrow, of Peter, Paul and Mary, who gave us $2500 seed money, created the student organization P.E.A.C.E: People Encouraging Acceptance through Communication and Education on the campus of the University of Illinois at Chicago. We held P.E.A.C.E. events throughout the year and the organization flourished with interfaith dialogue and activities.

In 1988 I thought communication was the answer to peace between Israel, her neighbors and the Palestinians. I don’t think so anymore, given the current state of hostilities and blame. Instead, at this terribly low and tragic point in the Israel-Gaza conflict, compassion or as Rabbi Jill Jacobs, recently called for in her July 31st, 2014 Washington Post Editorial, radical empathy is what is necessary. The deterioration of the situation is too pathetic and fragile for something as basic and primitive as communication to be the fix-it solution right now. Communication requires among other things, someone to be the listener, and no one is listening. No one is available to hear the cries, feel the pain or recognize the fear and loss of real people living only a few minutes away.

So what comes before the basic human need for connectedness through communication? Love and compassion. I am not so saccharin to suggest that we must love everyone, particularly our enemies. On the contrary, in this case, a place to start is that we show love for ourselves by taking a stance of compassion. Compassion for the other is an ultimate goal; that one should eventually be so enlightened to be able to pray for one’s enemy. But for those who, like me cannot do that right now, yet want not to harbor hate, because we know that little can come from that, what are we to do? Developing self-compassion is one way that will enable us to eventually act with compassion towards others.

I am learning from my teachers at the Institute for Jewish Spirituality that staying with the pain and sorrow that we feel and not running away from it or suppressing it can indeed lead to more compassion and a loving heart, turning brokenness and pain into light and strength. The medieval philosopher and poet Yehuda Halevi writes, “I have sought Your drawing-near, Calling You with all my heart; And in calling out to You –I found You calling within me.”

The agonizing situation in Israel leaves me struggling for an answer as to how to cope with the reality of the fear, deaths of so many, suffering and loss. I feel the brokenness and a simultaneous need to engage in this world as part of the solution and not the problem.

The Kotzker Rebbe taught that “There is nothing so whole as a broken heart.” We are broken and we feel pain. In his song Anthem, Leonard Cohen writes, “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light get’s in.” It takes courage to let the light in, to feel the brokenness and to stay with those feelings of pain. To feel the crack in a broken heart is to experience the pain of helplessness, of suffering with out judging ourselves for it, or criticizing ourselves for being weak. To feel pain, just like to feel joy, is part of the human experience.

The Rabbis of the Talmud teach “The Compassionate one desires the heart.” (Sanhedrin 106b). I know there are many ways that we navigate in times of great crisis such as these. Developing radical empathy, beginning with compassion for oneself is one place to begin. If I have a compassionate heart, I will be more peaceful. I will seek peace and pursue it. It will affect all my relationships and it will affect the world. I believe this to be trueIMG_0344

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Holy Time, Holy Place*

Posted on July 11, 2014 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

Morning Tefillah (prayer): Holy Time, Holy Place

At 7:30 in the morning we welcome Tiferet campers to the outdoor tefillah (prayer) space. The chairs in the Tiferet Beit Tefillah [sanctuary] are tree stumps, and in the ark made of clear Plexiglas, stands the Torah. We pray facing the ark and see our Torah stand amongst the trees. Eitz chaim hee~the Torah is a tree of life, to those who hold on to it. Our sweet prayer-song and a variety of chirping birds, harmonize and we are embraced by the peaceful sounds and sights that surround us as we welcome in this new day.

On this morning, the chanichim, campers, are singing ~ albeit a bit quietly at this early hour, Modeh Ani leifancha…rabbah emunatecha~Thank you God, for returning my soul to me, for this new day! How great is Your faith! I see them with their Madrichim and Moomchim (counselors and specialists) and although Shabbat begins in few hours, it feels like Shabbat has already begun. There is calmness here. There are no grades to work for right now or the need to “get it right”. Competition and criticism are non-existent in this moment. We are not rushing to get somewhere, we don’t need backpacks, or supplies, we just need to…. Be. For now, we are resting in the most precious gift: Singing and prayer for the purpose of connection to oneself, community and the holiness around us. It is a blessing to behold and I am filled with gratitude that our children experience this four-week Shabbat~a break from the pressures and pace of the rest of the year.

            At this morning’s service, one of our Hebrew kitot (classes) prepared introductions before several of the prayers and wrote about the meaning of the prayers as it might relate to these last few days of Tiferet and the memories of their time at OSRUI. They then led us, with our song-leaders in worship. With the permission of the authors, I include a sample of their introductions to the prayers here, for they offer a glimpse into the depth and importance of our morning Tefillot (worship).

Ahavah Rabbah~Is a prayer that reminds us of God’s love for us. And how day and night, no matter where we are we should reflect on the laws and commandments of the Torah. I feel that this prayer can also teach us to remember not only the laws, but also the history of the Jewish people. Please join us in this prayer and try to remember a loving moment at camp.

Shema~The Shema is a statement of our Faith. Our art is a statement of us and of who we are.   I do visual arts. We do different arts in studio and we each have different statements to make, but we are all one.  

Tefillah~The first prayer of the Amidah is about remembering our ancestors. Over the course of the four weeks in Tiferet at camp, we have learned about Sephardic Jews who are the ancestors of some of the people here today. The Amidah also speaks of holiness. Camp is of the holiest places I have. I have never felt so connected to my prayers than I do here in the outdoor Beit Tefillah [sanctuary]. During Silent prayer, take a moment to think of a camp memory you want to always remember.  

 

May the words and the prayers of our children continue to inspire us to work with them in creating a more beautiful, holy and peaceful world. Shabbat Shalom.  photothis was first posted on osrui.urjcamps.org

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Celebrate School Spirit (of Self)

Posted on January 31, 2014 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

My three children have participated in exactly two school spirit days. One in 2010 and the other in 2013 the years of the Blackhawk’s Stanley Cup Championships.   School Spirit Day; a day designed to generate a sense of solidarity and camaraderie fails miserably in my house.   If you have kids who are self-conscious (who doesn’t?) and who often don’t feel a part of the group (sound familiar?) and are afraid to make a mistake and seem silly or awkward around their peers (check) then asking kids to wear a certain color, or celebrate a certain theme can bring about anxiety that simply is not worth participation in school spirit day.  I ignore the Spirit Day emails and no longer remind the kids of the opportunity to have some fun with peers in this way.  I never thought they would be interested today’s School Spirit Day~as explained in school’s email that read:

Tomorrow is Rosh Chodesh Adar I, and its time to have our first spirit day!!!  A group of very ambitious 8th graders have been working to develop a student advisory board and one of their goals is to foster greater school spirit. They’d love for you to support this by spreading the word to your children!  Tomorrow come dressed as your “REAL SELF”  WHY? During Adar II we celebrate Purim, we dress up in masks and costumes to hide ourselves. So, for Adar I they want us to dress up in our real self.

Real Self Day? My kids would want to do this even less than wear their favorite sports team clothing!   My kids would never buy this one.  So I thought.  Yesterday, as the kids got into the car after school, my 12-year-old was the first one to bring up what she would be wearing for school spirit day.  “Your participating?” I asked.  “Yes!” she said.  She had her outfit planned.  She was going to wear a reflection of herself and what she liked most.  She could be HERSELF for the day.  This morning she went to school wearing her favorite camp sweatpants, advertising a camp that no one else in her class attends and is a place where she finds comfort and a sense of self.  Camp means the world to her and she wants share that with her school!  She put her headphones around her neck, her hoodie on, etc.  My younger daughter spent hours choosing and even sewing her outfit last night so people could see her “real self” and my son… my son, even he spent time choosing the right shirt that reflected his keen interest in gaming and Minecraft!

My kids are celebrating themselves for School Spirit Day!  I am grateful to our school system that creates an environment where we celebrate together our own individuality, and our unique spirit! It is a message that we hardly hear enough of these days.

And the Jewish Day School that my kids attend got the timing exactly right~ While on the holiday of Purim we wear masks and celebrate with costume and merriment, the real message of the holiday is to take pride in oneself.  There never would have been reason to celebrate in Shushan if Queen Esther had not removed her own “mask” and revealed her secret identity to her husband, the King.  Queen Esther was able to save the Jewish people because she spoke up.  Mordecai refused to bow down.  Purim is a story about being proud of who we are and not afraid to show it to the world!

Celebrate the Self Day! What an Awesome Idea.  Let’s all do it!

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A View From the Pulpit~ from my Kol Nidre Sermon 2013 5774

Posted on September 15, 2013 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

I’d like to share with you something I’ve done since my first pulpit, as a student rabbi, in Joplin, Mo. I have never talked about it, but have always wanted to write about it.  It begins when I see you here, at the High Holidays. I scan the rows and see you here.  I see you and I remember part of your story this past year, if we have not seen each other much, or I do not know you as well as I want to, I silently ask for that to change.  So on any given year, I sew, with my mind’s eye a patchwork that creates a most gorgeous Beth Am quilt.  Squares of fabric each a representing a different story representative of a life worth living.  For example one patch is of a daughter reunited with her parents after quite a while overseas. Another is of a couple married 60 years, and are grateful that they are still here, together.  God is good.  And still, one patch is for the parents who have nursed their child back to health, another for the parents who so desperately wish their child could be with them today and every day.

I look and I see others who I know have been impacted by text study, by Torah, by the 12 Steps, by something learned this year.  I look and see how it has changed them.   I see you who has asked how to find some meaning in your life. I scan the room and remember conversations that we have had together, laughs, and prayers too.  I share the delight in this year’s Bnei mitzvah students who I see wearing their tallit for the first time on the High Holidays.  I have a special patch for the girl who became bat mitzvah through music and pure love of Judaism while she uttered not a single word  but her spirit and joy was louder than any words or sound we could ever hear.   I see another patch this year, for our youth-groupers collecting food for the food pantry, and I see that they are so much more that youth-groupers–they are kids that come to us with real-life problems and life-stories. I have a patch with couples who have gotten divorced or are struggling this year. I look at others who have lost a spouse or a loved one. I see you, I remember your stories and carry them too. And still, around the room I see examples that life goes on. You’re doing okay because this is what life is.   There are colorful Patches representing new births, becoming parents, grandparents, celebrating special days, received blessings on the bima! Simcha, joy! Patches that represent generations fortunate enough to sit here together.  And still, there are so many more… ! The Patchwork quilt spread over us allows me to breathe in blessings received. Blessings given.  The Beth Am community.

So this is my tradition during one of the high holy Day services each year. Sometimes prayer is not about the liturgy that is on the page of a prayerbook, it is about the prayer that is in our heart, the prayer that is our very life.  The prayer brought out through community and shared experience can be the most powerful of all.   The Beth Am Quilt, in my mind’s eye, is rich in color, texture, fabric and is carefully woven together stitch by stitch, story by story. I look out onto you, and you onto me and I know that we, each one in our own way and together, are Nachshons–risk-takers.  Navigating unchartered waters, willing to take risks because we know there is a better way, a promised land waiting for us at the other end.

 

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Get A New Goal

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

Get a New Goal

Rosh Hashanah 5774 2013

It may come as a surprise to you that as the High Holy Days approach many rabbis around the country go into, what I would call, an annual panic. It’s a madness which a friend recently described as preparing for an annual review by several hundred supervisors simultaneously. During this period, my rabbinic colleagues and I call each other to discuss, share, debate, and obsess about our sermon themes and ideas. We want to offer the perfect idea and say exactly the right thing. We are highly critical of ourselves yet offer encouragement and praise to one another. For the past 18 years, my High Holiday routine involves sequestering myself at the corner coffee-shop with a head full of thoughts and a blank foreboding computer screen. I get a cup of coffee and sit down, check FaceBook, send a text, look at email and then do a little work…think for several minutes, write…check FaceBook… send a text…Look at what I wrote, get annoyed with what I wrote and start the process all over again.

One day last week, I called for my husband Kyle to come meet me right away. He’s quite familiar with the drill. When he arrived, he sat down and said, “Okay, what are you writing about?” I answered, “How nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as perfection.” “Great,” He said. “Let me hear it.” I replied,’ I can’t, I wrote only three paragraphs in the last three hours and they’re horrible.” He laughed, said “that’s pretty ironic” and went to get himself an iced tea.

I take a great amount of pride in what I do and wanted to knock out a masterpiece – the perfect sermon about perfectionism.

It is common for people to want to succeed and to do great things. Striving for improvement is important; of course we should try to do our best, but when our best wont do, or is not good enough; it does not serve us. When the goal is perfection we need to get ourselves a new goal. And the thing is, most of us know this, I know this. I even teach it and preach it, but like so many of us, just don’t do it. In Jewish tradition, perfection is neither an expectation nor a goal. In the Book of Deuteronomy we read, “Surely this instruction that I am giving you this day is not too baffling for you, nor is it beyond reach. It is not in the heavens, that you should say, “Who among us can go up to the heavens and impart it to us that we may observe it?” The Torah, the mitzvot, the laws and commandments, the ways and means of living a good and a ethical life are not beyond us. They are not impossible for us to follow! They are doable and most of them are not really a stretch. We are not presented with impossible laws to follow. We are given a blueprint for living a good life and it is a design that we are able to follow. The Torah teaches us that we have all we need to be successful. We don’t have to look beyond ourselves, or to others or to a quick fix–no, we have all we need to be okay and the Torah reminds us that we are capable of being and becoming our best self. And that, not perfection, is what is expected of us. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The Sages tell us (Talmud – Berachot 5b) that whether one does more or less is insignificant. What one actually accomplishes in the world is in the hands of God. (AISH.com, commentary on Emor) We have control over little but our attitude and how we direct our heart. What is important, and what matters our sages teach us, is that our heart be directed towards goodness, towards the path of righteousness, mitzvot and fulfillment of our truest self and potential.

For certain, our problems and transgressions can not be left alone or ignored, they matter and need to be worked on and self-improvement and relationship building is and should be an ongoing expectation, but if the end goal is perfection, Healing will never be achieved.

The great football coach Vince Lombardi said, “Practice does not make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.” What a great motto! Unfortunately, there are very few instances in life where we can actually be perfect. Perfection is a fallacy, an illusion. It is a construct designed to counteract the damning messages of self-hate we all have. You know those messages of the inner critic. The messages that we tell ourselves– that I am too short or too tall, too fat or too scrawny, too dumb or too smart not living up to my true potential, too poor…you know exactly what I am talking about. With these messages of self-hate comes the idea that we are terribly damaged and therefore will never be or do not deserve to be happy. And so, the natural conclusion, whether consciously or not, is that if we can achieve perfection, we will have the evidence we need to contradict the merciless prosecution from within and our problems will be over. If only we could achieve perfection. The problem with this thinking, is that it is completely unattainable, and that no matter what we accomplish, we either diminish our achievements or set it as a new benchmarks that we now must surpass in order to validate ourself worth. And so We never are satisfied and put ourselves on a vicious cycle of restlessness and discontentment. It is an unbearable way to live. When we do live like this, when we expect perfection we disturb ourselves and those who live with us. “The man who never makes mistakes loses a great many chances to learn something.” said Thomas Edison. And the one who does not allow herself to admit the humanity in making a mistake fails to see the beauty and reality of her own existence.

Sadly, The more we strive for perfection ourselves, the more we put perfection as our goal, the more we risk alienation and aloneness and feel frustrated and defeated. And likewise, the more perfection we expect from those around us, the more disappointment and resentment we experience. The cycle continues and then, we will never be able to be our truest-selves.

Again, in Jewish Tradition, Perfection is neither a goal nor an expectation not only because following mitzvot and living an ethical life are not beyond our reach, but also because we understand that our nature has the potential to do both good and bad. Although we are born with a pure soul, which we can return to and are urged to do so each day and every moment, we are also taught that we have the inclination to do that which is not good for us. We have the evil inclination–the yetzer harah and it is always seeking our attention. God knows we have both good and evil intentions and at the end of the day sometimes the best that we can hope for is that the scales of good and evil are balanced and that we have caused no harm.

This high holy day season is reserved for introspection and an examination of exactly how we have used our intentions and of how the scales have balanced. We admit our imperfections and we ask for forgiveness. For healing to happen we acknowledge that we have all held ourselves and our loved ones up to an unattainable standard. That unlike the Torah, we expect more than what is possible and it is our obligation to attempt to come to an understanding and an acceptance that like ourselves, others are also fallible. And the standards that they put on us, and that we put on them are more often then not, unattainable. And they get in the way in our relationships.

We seek perfection so that we can have connection and love in our lives. Ironically, it is when we fail and suffer humiliation or loss that we develop the empathy necessary to feel compassion and connectedness to others, instead of pity which allows us to feel superior yet isolated.

Tradition teaches us that before we enter the sanctuary at Yom Kippur, before we can come to ask God for forgiveness, we must go to all those around us and ask them for forgiveness for the things that we have done to them. For the pain, hurt and sadness we might have caused them. For the wrongs we have done to them. And likewise, we are to forgive them for the damage, insults and injuries they have done to us. But none of this can happen without forgiving ourselves first. In order for one to forgive the imperfections of others, one must be able to forgive his or her own imperfections. When we do this, when we recognize and accept our imperfections–our brokenness, our mistakes, all our transgressions and failures–then and only then, will we begin to feel complete.

Self-love, care and allowing yourself to be human is to live a good life. It is powerful and liberating.

In the beginning of the Torah portion that we read on Yom Kippur, Nitzavim, Moses says that the covenant is given to ‘those who are standing here with us this day and with those who are not with us here this day.’ One metaphor for ‘standing here this day’ means being present. God is speaking to all of us–those who are present to the moment, aware and awake to their lives. It also can mean to be strong and with our head held high. and ‘With those who are not here this day’, might mean, with those who have fallen away, those who have strayed, who are not connected to their truest or highest self or who have had misfortune befall on their home and who are knocked to their knees. To those who are standing… to those who have fallen. God says, I am speaking to you. I am here.

Life is about Standing, being present, and it is about falling down, stumbling and then getting back up again. Knowing that we fall down is is to know we are imperfect and that we fail or life fails us sometimes. Falling down is a given. We are down at times. But to get back up! That is the victory! That is where LIFE is to be found…even though we will fall again.

Fall Down, Get Up, Fall Down Get up. It is not about being perfect, or always standing strong.

In hopes of leading a life with more wholeness and peace, a life of more ease and joy, we have to forgive ourselves for our false and unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We have to try and stop that voice that at times tells us we are nothing, and we have to love ourselves with a beautiful, merciful love. When we do this, we will see that the world is suddenly a lot kinder to us. And it is certainly more hospitable.

I reflect a lot on shutting out that inner critic inside my head and maybe you do too. A few weeks ago, I wrote this for the month of Elul:

To The One To Whom I Belong: for the mistake of self-hate, for the mistake of criticizing and judging my body-Your beautiful work of creation, for the mistake of not resting when I so desperately need it, for the mistake of always thinking others come first, for the mistake of not believing in my own vision, mission, purpose and for the mistake of forgetting that I am forever in your divine embrace… For failing to see that being good enough is enough. and for turning a blind eye to the beauty that is within me and shining all around me, I forgive myself. With Your Blessing and Your Love.

May 5774 be a year of compassion for ourselves, empathy for others, and freedom from the pain of striving for perfection.

Ken Yehi Ratzon. May This Be God’s Will

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Think! It’s A New Year!

Posted on September 3, 2013 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

Yesterday afternoon I watched the movie Hannah Arendt, about the German-Jewish philosopher, historian, political theorist, and journalist who covered the 1961 Nazi war crime trial of Adolf Eichmann in Jerusalem for the New Yorker.  Her conclusions and thoughts were published in a seminal work titled Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil (1963). Here she raises the question of whether or not evil has to be radical. She concluded that  evil can stem from thoughtless, banal behavior—bureaucratic maneuvers, the goal of which is to complete a task; neither thinking nor emotions involved. Hannah Arendt coined the term, ‘banality of evil’ based  on  Eichmann, a man who helped carry out the most horrific crimes against humanity yet denied this and said, he was only following instructions.  In the last seven minutes of the film we listen to Hannah Arendt (played by Barbara Sukowa) defend her theory that evil need not be radical, that the world would have less evil in it if we had more ordinary people thinking for themselves.  If people would only believe in something, if they could feel, have courage, develop a sense of self, and of caring about something….in the movie, Hannah Arendt concludes,

“This inability to think created the possibility for many ordinary men to commit evil deeds on a gigantic scale, the like of which had never been seen before. The manifestation of the wind of thought is not knowledge but the ability to tell right from wrong, beautiful from ugly. And I hope that thinking gives people the strength to prevent catastrophes in these rare moments when the chips are down.”

Too often do we see ordinary people do nothing.  May this New Year of 5774 be a year where we think for ourselves.  May we care enough about each other to do something; To make this world a better one for those we know and for those we will never know.   

Shana Tovah and Blessings for A Sweet Good Year. 

 

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Forgiveness

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

This Elul (2013) i have read many beautiful pieces on the importance of asking for forgiveness from the transgressions that we commit against our selves.   I am grateful for of all who have written about this and who have helped me to articulate my own teshuva prayer: To The One To Whom I Belong:  for the mistake of self-hate, for the mistake of criticizing and judging my body-Your beautiful work of creation, for the mistake of not resting when i so desperately need it, for the mistake of always thinking others come first, for the mistake of not believing in my own vision, mission, purpose and for the mistake of forgetting that I am forever in your divine embrace… I forgive myself, with your Blessing and your Love.   One Day At A Time. 

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Comfort

Posted on July 19, 2013 by Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

Shabbat Shalom from camp!  Today is Shabbat Nachamu~Sabbath of hope and comfort.  I am keenly aware this shabbat of how much comfort our people/this world/we need.  From a homesick camper to an exhausted counselor.  From a wounded heart to people experiencing disappointment despair. Nachamu~ each one of us, in our own way, needs a measure of care and compassion.  To comfort is to be a blessing.  Shabbat Shalom!

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