I’m a little embarrassed to report that for the past year, I’ve been asking people to repeat themselves in conversation with me. I have been demanding that my kids stop mumbling. While on the bima, I felt ashamed that I could not repeat the comments and questions of the members of the congregation for all to hear. I spent a tremendous amount of energy denying that I was hard of hearing.

I’m embarrassed partly because I would not think twice about encouraging someone else to go see a doctor about their hearing or eyesight. I’d tell them there’s nothing to be ashamed of – these things happen to people. I’d tell them to be grateful that we live in a time when glasses and hearing aids and advances in medical science can allow people the opportunity to stay fully connected to the world around them. I felt like a hypocrite for not heeding my own advice. I hated that I was so fearful of my new reality.

Eventually I told my husband about this loss. Each time I mentioned that I think I might have a problem hearing, he would suggest that I tell my doctor. It took almost a year, but I went to the audiologist and followed up with several more tests and doctors. I have severe asymmetrical hearing loss. Its irreversible and I am so very grateful that there is help.

I just picked up my hearing aid today and the difference it makes is beyond awesome.   It’s a miracle!

The process that led me to the audiologist was a painful one, but it didn’t have to be. I had played a number of mind-games on myself that resulted in self-pity and shame. I assigned value judgments to myself that I would never put on anyone else. It’s like the old saying, “we’re our own harshest critics.”

I know that I am not alone in self-sabatoge, shame and self-criticism. It is part of the human condition, I am sad to say.  Unnecessary worry and inner torment deplete energy and lessen one’s openness to joy and to love.

Don Miguel Ruiz teaches: We try so hard to do whatever we can to clear the voice of our internal judge — we try to be perfect for our husband or for our wife, for the teacher, the guru, the religion, knowing that it is not possible. We all are taught to say, ”We are human, and we are not perfect. No one is perfect.”

We are perfect, but we don’t see that. We are not aware of what we really are because our attention is so focused on what we are trying to be.

Believing that we are perfect without having to do anything or be anything other than who we are is about developing and internalizing humility, gratitude, and acceptance. Ultimately it is the highest act of love and self-care which connects us to the deepest, purist recesses of our heart. It is what allows us to forgive ourselves.  It is what allows us to love ourselves and each other.  It enables us to share our love and kindness with the world.

I tell my kids  before bedtime, “God loves you just the way you are.” I must believe that to be true for myself as well.

To acceptance, gratitude and love!

Blessings.